Letting go of the fight

I battle myself. The angry voice tells me to do things, do them perfect, do it now, you lazy dumbass you are going to fuck everything up. What are you doing? Everyone is going to be pissed off at you cause this is all on you. Then my other voice simply folds her arms and says “NO”….I don’t want to”. She is the stubborn girl who simply can’t be forced. She says you can hurt me, you can slap me, you can push me, you can call me names but I won’t do what you want….fuck you! The battle continues around and around and my stubborn girl rebels against my parent girl. Stubborn girl eats bad food choices and doesn’t work out today and doesn’t get her work done and just reads her book. She doesn’t care if the world hates her if everything crumbles around her. Then parent girl yells at her and beats her down until the tiniest of openings in stubborn girl’s resolve and stubborn girl realizes that parent girl IS right you know, everything will get fucked up and stubborn girl starts asking herself “why do I do this”? And she wants to cry.

It seems the common theme with both stubborn girl and parent girl is anger. But why am I filling myself and my life and my tasks with anger when I don’t want anger. I don’t want depression or sadness and that’s all that anger leads to. It doesn’t really HELP me get anything done.

I realize I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I’ve been approaching all of life this way….I’ll strive for perfection cause then I’ll be worthy of parent girl and make her stop yelling and if I just continue to be perfect enough then parent girl will be happy. Stubborn girl is strong enough to do it, just watch. But what if instead I got rid of parent girl and stubborn girl and took the war away. In the past years I’ve created the most real Karen, the one that does things because she wants to do them. She does things with purpose and she has good purposes. She likes to do a good job, she likes to be appreciated for the job she does, she likes to bring pleasure to people….sometimes….she likes to learn and grow and read and keep becoming herself. She likes to be a lot of things that fancy her at whatever moment in time. She doesn’t need to plan to be something at the right time because that’s the only way to be perfect enough. She just does what she wants when she wants and for always a purpose and she’s good.

So each day….she just needs to look at all that needs to get done and ask what is the purpose of her tasks. What purpose does doing x,y,z fulfill?