Love yourself?

The practice of self-love seems to be ever expanding. I have come so far and am not sure how far I have left to go or if there is such a thing as "arriving" there. But I'm learning.

I can finally say that physically, mentally, spiritually I practice self-love at a minimum healthy level which is a huge accomplishment. I used to ignore my eating, ignore my physical aches and pains, ignore my stress or try to drown it with something that would make it feel better, and just kept trudging through life as if simply putting one foot in front of the other in spite all all the garbage I was carrying showed society or myself how tough or strong I was. Being tough/strong isn't the point! And it caught up to me.

I've learned to be purposeful with my eating - making sure that what I put in my body is fuel and not food. That means my meals actually give my body what it needs to be sustained in a healthy way rather than a pleasureful way. That's not to say I don't experience pleasure. It means that now instead of getting the quick fix pleasure on my tongue, I get the deep pleasure of feeling great each day!

I've learned to be purposeful with my movement - I do strength training each day. I don't simply jump around to get my heart rate up. I challenge my body to become stronger each day because without challenge there is no growth. I grow my strength each day.

I've learned to be purposeful with my sleep - making sure I get at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep on most nights. When I have to go beneath that, I make sure and go above it on another day. Sleep is part of taking care of our body. While we sleep our brains have these other cells that enlarge so they can carry away all the guck from our brain's daily stresses and use. It's kind of like having your brain cleaned each night. I try to sleep on a 90 minute cycle so I either get 6 hours, 7 1/2 hours, or 9 hours of sleep as those are the times that my brain is nearing its normal wake cycle.

I've learned to be purposeful with my self-talk/inner voice - that means I'm nice to myself which is a practice in both mental and spiritual health. I used to be harsh with myself treating my successes as nothing/normal and treating my failures as if it was a reflection of my inherent lack of worth. I see that those were very unhealthy voices to carry around with me. I wouldn't treat my children whom I loved that way so why treat myself that way? Do I not love myself? Part of loving ourselves is treating ourselves nicely. When I succeed, even in a small way, I say "good job" and I smile at myself. When I make a mistake, I say "it's ok, no biggie, it happens, try again" and I give myself an invisible hug.

Practicing all these great things made me feel very accomplished. I've come a long way. I thought I had arrived...lol. But alas there is more to self-love. Another part of loving myself needs to come in the form of following my calling.

I have felt called to write about my experiences, my thoughts, my stories -- what I've learned in life. At the same time, I'm such a perfectionist that I feel sometimes that if I can't do something justice, then I'm not going to do it until I can be assured success with it...and then I delve into the definitions of all that.

• Do something justice - what does this mean exactly, is there a "standard" somewhere that I have to meet, set by whom, where does this come from?
• Assured success - huh? Who in the world has this? No one is ever assured success with anything. 

Why I allow that type of thinking to stop me from moving forward is still something I work on. Part of how I work on it is by defining my terms because I always find something I'm defining from a severely subjective and unnecessary standpoint. Simply defining it is usually enough to get me over the hump.

I feel called to write and share with others my stories and experiences. In order to love myself, I must follow that calling. This is where my blog was born.  

Meaning of Life

What costume are you wearing? What facade are you tricking people or yourself into believing is true? Are you hiding from yourself in your costume? Are you hiding from others? Can one ever hide from others?

I hide from myself, I think most of us do for much of our lives. I tried different costumes over the years because I learned that without a costume we are naked and that was wholly inappropriate. But who are these teachers that teach us what is right, wrong, appropriate or not? Are they not just quota keepers who are hiding as well? The ones who "fit in" all wear costumes for a while and they look successful but are only successful at hiding. I spent most of life trying to fit in and knowing deep down that I didn't. All who surround the successful are those that prop up the lie that that's the meaning of our existence. It's sad because watching all those that prop it up lends to the credibility that that is what we should aspire to be. I was fooled by them too. The popular culture that gives you a box to fit in, categories to fall under, boundaries with which to exist. Not following the rules given to you comes with swift backlash, staring, embarrassment, shame.

How long does it take to remove the shackles of our learned bullshit and just be...with no fear and only love...to simply be...and to influence others in the way we are meant to for the betterment of humanity in whatever small way we can. As we remove the costume we reveal an entirely different look and thus interact with the world in an entirely new way. That is bound to cause discomfort for a while. We must endure the backlash but not with defensiveness. We must embrace the staring because we are inspiring others to follow. We must not subscribe to the embarrassment for it is one of their tactics to get you back. And we must not take the misplaced shame for it does not belong to us.

One day your time will be up. Will you be proud of what you've left behind? Or will you have remained hidden in a costume so that you appropriately fit in with all the other liars who wasted their time? Or will you leave a legacy? Will you have inspired others? Will you be admired for your bravery? Our lives have value - what is yours worth? The more rare something is the more valuable it is, right? You are a most rare gift, created to do great things. The clock is ticking.

Falling into ditches sometimes

I have reinvented myself in the last year. I've lost 110 lbs, I've become a different person. I am someone who eats healthy, I plan my meals, I exercise 6 days a week, I'm currently into bodybuilding. I make a goal for my body so that my brain decides where my body is going and not my emotions.

With all that, I still fall into some ditches sometimes. Today was one of those times.

Why is it that even when we KNOW the right thing to do, we don't do it and then have to pay for it and knew we were not going to escape the consequence but we still do it? That is just asinine.

Today I did just that. I have learned that what works best for me is to wake up, drink my coffee, eat my breakfast, check my emails and facebook, then go upstairs and workout! Before I allow myself to shower and get dressed for the day, I must first workout! When I do that it sets the tone for the rest of my day. I am proud of myself, I feel strong, I feel like I woke up and kicked some ass! Feeling all those things insures that I make good food choices for the rest of the day and even makes me feel like being more active. All good things that contribute to the body I want.

Today I knew all of those things and still chose to not follow it. I started doing my budget which took entirely too long to do and then let checking my facebook take over my day. Since I was loafing on the couch in my pajamas, I was chose snacks that did not fit into my macros --  too many carbs and too much fat, of course. I kept telling myself, "you have to get upstairs and workout...just get it done" and yet I continued to sit on my butt!

Next thing I look at the clock and it's freaking 5:00pm!!! Are you kidding me? Now I had to whip up some dinner for my family and then I needed to go workout! All through dinnertime I still wasn't feeling it. I asked my husband to come up and be in my workout room with me (that always gives me motivation) and he did.

I completed my workout but I'll tell you, eating that shit all day really smacked me upside my head. I wasn't feeling proud or strong and I wasn't kicking any ass during this workout. I was feeling like a complete loser! What had I done to myself? I knew what would happen if I lived my day this way, it happened, and now I'm mad that I let it happen. Talk about a thinking cycle of insanity! I was so angry with myself during my workout that I was maxing out quick, not having the strength that I usually have, angry that I caused this and wondering what is wrong with me. I spent 30 minutes mentally/emotionally beating myself up and THAT is the ditch that I fall into sometimes.

During this whole personal reinvention I had to learn to take care of me, put me first, and to love myself enough to stop slowly feeding myself to death but instead show the world (and myself) what I'm capable of. One of the most important parts of all this "self-care" is in how I talk to myself...the voice that play in my head without me thinking about it. The old, heavy person's voice would beat me up constantly so that I always knew that I didn't deserve to be capable, beautiful, strong, or happy. The new, thin person's internal voice has learned to be forgiving, patient, loving, and kind. Except for that 30 minutes today where I slipped back into my old thinking. I made it through though. The old, heavy me would have let that failure turn the whole night, weekend, week, and month into "what's the point" and ruined my progress. The new, thin me didn't let that happen. I gave myself my 30 minutes to be angry for the choice I made. I tried my best to own it, "yes, I did it, I screwed up all day, and now I'm paying for it, and it's done, tomorrow's a new day".

Tomorrow IS a new day!

On Driving

Driving is what do to get from point A to point B. I am a fast driver - usually 10 miles over the speed limit. I try very hard not to drive too close to the person in front of me but I'll admit my antsy, hyperactivity sometimes gets the best of me and I find myself following too close and so I back off.

Here is my pet peeve about the issue:
I belong to many facebook groups where I've seen posted so many times that I count count how some "speed limit" driver is angry at a "fast driver" for passing them and they always then spend the next 15 minutes tracking that fast driver to see how much sooner they got to a certain place which isn't much. So for example, I'll read, "To that black truck that couldn't wait to speed past me on Mulino hill...haha we got to the city at the same time, I'm 3 cars behind you".

The speed-limit driver is always coming from the perspective that the reason fast-drivers drive fast is to get somewhere sooner or to beat other cars as if it's a competition. I guess it's a fair assumption but there is at least one other reason that fast-drivers drive fast and it's the reason that I drive fast. I just like to drive fast! My body does not know how to just mosey along at the speed limit. Try this sometime, you talk at the speed in which you talk, you don't decide that that's how fast you are going to talk, you just talk that way. Try to slow your rate of speech down by 1/3. See how uncomfortable that is? I'm not saying that it's not possible. I'm not saying that we have no control over ourselves and so what we do is what we do and oh well. I'm just saying that there are things we do for comfort that we like and it's the way we are and we want to be that way. I'm a fast-driver, I like it. I'm a fast-talker, a fast-walker, and a fast-task-doer as well. I don't move or think slowly.

So to all you speed-limit drivers who you think you've figured out the motive of the fast-drivers...you haven't figured out all the motives. Some people just like to drive fast! (*Note: the last time I was in a car accident and it wasn't attributed to speed at all -  it was a situation where the traffic signals weren't working and I thought it was my turn to go and apparently it wasn't? And a car that hadn't stopped first just made the left turn into me. It was my fault because I was supposed to give him the right of way which still confuses me - that was about 12 years ago? And I've never gotten a speeding ticket. I also have my own internal cop radar which comes nicely with my desire to drive fast).

I heard a statistic once and I'll probably screw up the numbers but you'll get the gist...85% of drivers will always go the posted speed limit or slower no matter what the speed limit is and 15% will always go faster no matter what the speed limit is. Well, I'm in that 15% or whatever that small percentage of drivers who always speed is. I live in the country, I take back roads, I avoid traffic, I avoid the city, I try to take the fastest and most direct way to somewhere that I can. I don't get mad at the large percentage of speed-limit drivers, I'm not mad that you are in front of me, I'm not mad that you are going slower, I simply want to get in front of you. I'm not trying to win, I'm not of the belief that if I drive 10 miles/hr faster that I'll get to my destination so much sooner, I simply want to move fast.

My day off with hotitude

Today's my day off. I love days off. Especially when they are busy with happy things...ok....sometimes that's happy. Other days I like to just read and read and be alone. Enjoying alone time is new for me as I'm an extreme extrovert and have spent the better part of my 42 years hating to be alone. Now I think I've really learned the concept of peace -- ohm -- .

Today I'll be meeting with a group of wounded warrior wives for our "support" group. For me it's more a socializing group where I don't have to explain to anyone the crap that happens at my house...lol.

After our support time we are heading to lunch at a place chosen by someone else...the leader of our group. Last September I began a crazy transformation to losing the final 65 lbs that I haven't been able to lose in 20 + years and because I felt like I finally licked my weight problem, I topped it all off with a tummy tuck. Can I just say "WOOHOOOOO" cause that was the best decision of my life baby! I basically have my 17 year old body back and I'm in cougar city. I feel like the embodiment of hotitude...haha. I tell you this only to give the explanation of why going to a restaurant brings up a lot of technical issues for me. I find a place ahead of time, look at their menu, decide what I'll be ordering and figure out how that fits into my macros for the day - oh yes...I'm deciding to bodybuild this body into a bikini this summer so I track my macros. The restaurant she has chosen for the day doesn't really fit for me so I'll probably be taking my own food. I'm ok with this because my new found happiness of rocking my hotitude doesn't stress over shit I can't control. I figure out what I CAN control and I do it. It's my life, my choice, my consequences! And man do I LOVE my consequences! I earn them and so I rock them.

I'll try to fit in some reading too.

Now it's time for Beast Mode....be your best self today folks!

~K

Life is a journey, let's begin

I am nobody special and somebody special.

I'm a woman, wife, mom, caregiver, daughter, sister, friend who lives in Oregon on a farm in a forest.

I'm a wonderfully made, perfectly assembled, greatly designed child of God.

I am loved by many and disliked by many but intriguing to most.

I am authentic. I don't do fake or fluff. I think deeply about everything that intrigues me. I don't care much for things that don't.

This blog will simply be my intriguing perspectives on display. I welcome topics and discussion. I am a student of life. I believe in being better today than I was yesterday and that I get to define what better means. I live with what I call a "deathbed perspective"....if I were to be laying on my deathbed would I be happy with where I am in life, who I am, what I've done? I strive for my answers  to all be YES! That doesn't mean that I've always been good, or right, or the best, or anything like that. I've made mistakes everywhere throughout life like we all have but I've always done the best I could with the tools I had at the time. That last part of the sentence is the key.

I plan to share stories of my life transitions and experiences as well as simple ramblings of interest or frustration. This is a journey and I'm writing about mine.