I have reinvented myself in the last year. I've lost 110 lbs, I've become a different person. I am someone who eats healthy, I plan my meals, I exercise 6 days a week, I'm currently into bodybuilding. I make a goal for my body so that my brain decides where my body is going and not my emotions.
With all that, I still fall into some ditches sometimes. Today was one of those times.
Why is it that even when we KNOW the right thing to do, we don't do it and then have to pay for it and knew we were not going to escape the consequence but we still do it? That is just asinine.
Today I did just that. I have learned that what works best for me is to wake up, drink my coffee, eat my breakfast, check my emails and facebook, then go upstairs and workout! Before I allow myself to shower and get dressed for the day, I must first workout! When I do that it sets the tone for the rest of my day. I am proud of myself, I feel strong, I feel like I woke up and kicked some ass! Feeling all those things insures that I make good food choices for the rest of the day and even makes me feel like being more active. All good things that contribute to the body I want.
Today I knew all of those things and still chose to not follow it. I started doing my budget which took entirely too long to do and then let checking my facebook take over my day. Since I was loafing on the couch in my pajamas, I was chose snacks that did not fit into my macros -- too many carbs and too much fat, of course. I kept telling myself, "you have to get upstairs and workout...just get it done" and yet I continued to sit on my butt!
Next thing I look at the clock and it's freaking 5:00pm!!! Are you kidding me? Now I had to whip up some dinner for my family and then I needed to go workout! All through dinnertime I still wasn't feeling it. I asked my husband to come up and be in my workout room with me (that always gives me motivation) and he did.
I completed my workout but I'll tell you, eating that shit all day really smacked me upside my head. I wasn't feeling proud or strong and I wasn't kicking any ass during this workout. I was feeling like a complete loser! What had I done to myself? I knew what would happen if I lived my day this way, it happened, and now I'm mad that I let it happen. Talk about a thinking cycle of insanity! I was so angry with myself during my workout that I was maxing out quick, not having the strength that I usually have, angry that I caused this and wondering what is wrong with me. I spent 30 minutes mentally/emotionally beating myself up and THAT is the ditch that I fall into sometimes.
During this whole personal reinvention I had to learn to take care of me, put me first, and to love myself enough to stop slowly feeding myself to death but instead show the world (and myself) what I'm capable of. One of the most important parts of all this "self-care" is in how I talk to myself...the voice that play in my head without me thinking about it. The old, heavy person's voice would beat me up constantly so that I always knew that I didn't deserve to be capable, beautiful, strong, or happy. The new, thin person's internal voice has learned to be forgiving, patient, loving, and kind. Except for that 30 minutes today where I slipped back into my old thinking. I made it through though. The old, heavy me would have let that failure turn the whole night, weekend, week, and month into "what's the point" and ruined my progress. The new, thin me didn't let that happen. I gave myself my 30 minutes to be angry for the choice I made. I tried my best to own it, "yes, I did it, I screwed up all day, and now I'm paying for it, and it's done, tomorrow's a new day".
Tomorrow IS a new day!
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