Letting go of the fight

I battle myself. The angry voice tells me to do things, do them perfect, do it now, you lazy dumbass you are going to fuck everything up. What are you doing? Everyone is going to be pissed off at you cause this is all on you. Then my other voice simply folds her arms and says “NO”….I don’t want to”. She is the stubborn girl who simply can’t be forced. She says you can hurt me, you can slap me, you can push me, you can call me names but I won’t do what you want….fuck you! The battle continues around and around and my stubborn girl rebels against my parent girl. Stubborn girl eats bad food choices and doesn’t work out today and doesn’t get her work done and just reads her book. She doesn’t care if the world hates her if everything crumbles around her. Then parent girl yells at her and beats her down until the tiniest of openings in stubborn girl’s resolve and stubborn girl realizes that parent girl IS right you know, everything will get fucked up and stubborn girl starts asking herself “why do I do this”? And she wants to cry.

It seems the common theme with both stubborn girl and parent girl is anger. But why am I filling myself and my life and my tasks with anger when I don’t want anger. I don’t want depression or sadness and that’s all that anger leads to. It doesn’t really HELP me get anything done.

I realize I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I’ve been approaching all of life this way….I’ll strive for perfection cause then I’ll be worthy of parent girl and make her stop yelling and if I just continue to be perfect enough then parent girl will be happy. Stubborn girl is strong enough to do it, just watch. But what if instead I got rid of parent girl and stubborn girl and took the war away. In the past years I’ve created the most real Karen, the one that does things because she wants to do them. She does things with purpose and she has good purposes. She likes to do a good job, she likes to be appreciated for the job she does, she likes to bring pleasure to people….sometimes….she likes to learn and grow and read and keep becoming herself. She likes to be a lot of things that fancy her at whatever moment in time. She doesn’t need to plan to be something at the right time because that’s the only way to be perfect enough. She just does what she wants when she wants and for always a purpose and she’s good.

So each day….she just needs to look at all that needs to get done and ask what is the purpose of her tasks. What purpose does doing x,y,z fulfill?

Our Human Heaven

Fluidity

Dancing in your love

Swaying in the sensation of our love

It’s deep and untouchable, unseeable

Look into your eyes and fall into your pond of fear and inferiority, see all your wounds and your embarrassment, all of your shame and all of your glory

I am close to you, I am connected to you, I am inside of you

You trust me with all of you

You are in a state of such freedom that your cage doesn’t exist anymore and we are wild and free together

You take my hand and we are together

We can explore and play and be our innocence before all of our pain

There are only smiles and the happiness of a child here, there is only freedom and being cared for, no burdens, no obligations, no standards, no expectations

Hearts jump and frolic around because everything is new and everything feels good.

Ecstatic goodness in one pinnacle moment is what I’m after

Conquering your soul is my goal

Reek of a skunk

What is it like to reek of a skunk
To be the object of people's disgust
To have people see only squalid and rust
They slink away thinking you're boorish and drunk

Don't want to get close
They steer clear of your aim
Hurting your feelings it isn't a game
Smiling politely while sending you shame
In the end treat you like unworthy junk

They think it's deserved
You asked for their spit
For bringing your stench and taking a sit
You starting this war by talking your shit
Now go away quickly before you are sunk

Once in your presence they need a deep cleanse
For what you just uttered means you can't be friends
Your pungent odor it strictly offends
Isolated is solace when you reek of a skunk.

Vulnerability and emotions

I have come to some massive realizations about emotions. I know I need to feel them because when I stuff them they turn into pain and ailments in the body but at the same time I don’t want to feel them because they hurt. I need to share them so that they come out but at the same time that makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I always saw vulnerability as a weakness but I am learning that this is not true. It is not a weakness to be vulnerable it’s actually the exact opposite. What a great mind trick I have played on myself. To share my feeling with anyone, to be vulnerable takes immense courage and I just never had that courage.. It means you trust someone and to trust someone means they can hurt you, you are giving them to key to the knife that can stab you! Yes I found one person on this earth who finally showed me that I can trust him and he won’t hurt me but there is more than one. And how can I be there for him (or anyone else for that matter) if I don’t understand this? I can’t be there for him if emotions make me uncomfortable, if someone being vulnerable with me just holds up a mirror of how uncomfortable I am with being vulnerable. I need to understand this better.

To trust someone with my feelings is like the highest form of anything I can give. It is saying here is the key to the knife you can stab me with. I am handing it to you in hopes that you will choose to comfort me instead. And I have always trusted no one (until Dean….but have I?). Now look at that in reverse. When someone can trust me with their feelings they are giving me the most valuable gift a person can give! They are showing me that I am worth risking pain and hurt for, they are saying they will be vulnerable with me even though it means I could smash their heart into a million pieces but they are trusting that I won’t. I need to learn to open my heart to others’ emotions and be that person that people can trust and vice versa, take a risk and trust people. Obviously not just trusting anyone….but trusting more than one other person. How did I never see sharing feelings as a blessing? 

Have you ever thought about what you would do if you found out you were going to die?

I'm not talking about a bucket list. I'm not talking about the idea that we should all be living like it was the last day of our lives. Those are nice, happy colors to clothe the idea of dying in.

I'm talking about - real shit - doctor says you have cancer and have a good chance of dying.
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I've lived a life I think I can be proud of. I don't have regrets...really. I've done the best I could do with what I had at the time. I think I've made amends to the people I've wronged. I like to live my life knowing that if death took me in an instant, at least my conscience will feel at peace.

But even that is different.

If you know you have some time, you don't know how much, but the clock is now ticking, and chances are your health will deteriorate, and so what is important to you?

I already know that dying with dignity means something very different to me than it does to the people who want to off themselves and not suffer. I believe there is a beauty in suffering. There are lessons to be learned in suffering. There is compassion and love to be shared in suffering. There is connection, intimacy, and emotion to be shared in suffering. I believe that to pretend those things don't have meaning is to rob the living of a beautiful experience.

My husband is in the forefront of my mind when I think of what would I do if I found out the clock was ticking. I love my kids to the moon and back and I am truly blessed to be a part of their lives! They are each so wonderful in their own ways....but I worry most for my husband in the event that I were to go. I know my husband better than anyone on the planet! I know what he'd struggle with if he had to live without me. I know what he'd want to do if I were gone. My husband has a brain injury from combat in Afghanistan...and I've been his caregiver for 5 years. There is a lot he can't do at all, a lot that he can't do well, a lot that he can't do without me (and a lot that he CAN do, he's an amazing man!!!). But I think about all that he cannot do without me and I feel compelled to sift through my thoughts on the subject. My message to him would be this ---

To the man that owns my heart:
What I want you to do if you ever find your life without me being physically present.
I want you to live, to dream, to plan, to achieve, to love, to learn, to listen to me speak to your heart. I want you to take care of yourself as if everyone's life depends on it...because their lives DO! You are so infinitely important to the people who love you and whether you feel that or not, you must believe me because you trust me. I want you to follow my example and learn to love yourself as I learned to love me. It's your job now to love yourself like I loved you....like God loves you. That is how you honor me! Ask for help. Don't let pride cloud your actions. You can trust others who learned from me to protect you as I did. I want your soul to be at peace, I want your soul to be in communion with mine as I watch over you and take care of you. I'm always here. I want you to tell our kids about me and our grand kids. I want you to LOVE them in action like you loved me. Give them you, your time, your energy, your playfulness, your wisdom, you love for God. Be your best you! Not the you with no hope or no joy, not the tired you. Be the warrior you that takes care of your family like you took care of your unit. Be the chaplain for those that I love. When you are your best you, that is how you honor me! You own my heart, I gave it to you as the only person who earned 100% of it...you feel me, you know me, you see me, I am yours always. There really are no words that capture all of my feelings for you.

Extremist looking for the middle

I'm an extremist. I work really well on either end of a spectrum even though I KNOW it's not the "healthy" place to be. I intuitively feel like somewhere in the middle would serve a better purpose or a greater audience or what have you but getting to that middle is always a similar process for me.

Take boundaries:
For years I said yes to just about everyone. I put myself out there as someone who would gladly help. If I got the whiff of someone needing something, I'd help out. In retrospect, doing that made me feel like I was someone that others could count on or someone they thought of as a "helpful person" which was contributing to my ego obviously. (No, I don't believe in altruism).

Years and years of solving others' problems, helping others get info, helping, helping, helping just drained the shit out of me to the point that I actually learned that I do, in fact, have a limit! Ok that's good to know you have a limit...it really is. I wondered for years is God made me some superpower or something because everyone around me seemed to be so tired, worn out, or otherwise unable and I was go-go-going like an energizer bunny. Mind you, I'm not talking so much physical energy, I'm more mental energy and I could just churn out thoughts, ideas, information, research findings, etc like an energizer bunny!

Then I got burnt out and I clicked into the other extreme.....say no to everybody and everything.

In the past when I had tried my hand at saying no, I felt compelled to have to explain myself. I'd watched others not explain their "No" but I didn't know how they withstood the pressure that I felt when I said No. This time there was no pressure to explain because I was so burnt out that I didn't give a crap whether the person understood why or not. Maybe this time my "No" sounded more final? Where in the past it was more like a "tell me why I should say yes" type of No. I don't know but I've been operating on this other extreme for about 9 months now? I feel like I've thoroughly learned the lesson of the opposite extreme.

Now to find the balance.
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Even though I need to find the middle, act out of the middle, be that balanced boundary person it still scares the crap out of me. I hate the middle....haha! To know it's good for you and hate it....kind of like vegetables. It's like on one extreme I was on 23 shots of espresso buzzing around high in the center of Time Square then click to the other extreme and I'm on an isolated beach on a remote island laying in the sun having a servant bring me things. Two pretty different scenarios.

What does the middle look like? I don't know yet....still figuring that out. I guess right now I'm afraid that if I say I'm done with my "vacation" then I'll instantly be sucked against my will back to somewhere I don't want to be. I don't like the feeling of burn out, I don't like being all jacked up like a chicken with its head cut off. I guess I also know that I'm strong enough to not allow things to happen against my will. That's what boundaries are all about, eh? Asserting your will in a way that suits you in a healthy manner! Not trying to gain "like points" by being the good, helpful one that can only be accepted because of what she contributes and conversely not retreating from the world and becoming involved in nothing watching others actually live while I'm on a beach. I want to be LIVING. I want to be taking part in the things I want to take part in for no other reason than it's what I want to do.

Hmm...

Where does self-esteem come from?

Where does self-esteem come from?

I think that word gets thrown around a lot in the media. Being a child of the 70's/80's I know I grew up thinking it was something I was supposed to have if you were happy. Then becoming a parent in the 90's I began to hear about it differently in the media. It was discussed in the context of 'how do we give self-esteem to our kids'. Well that really threw me because it's SELF esteem, so I don't think it can be given or can it?

The definition I found on self-esteem: confidence in one's own worth or abilities

Can someone give you confidence, can someone tell you what you're worth. They can try but if it's not the truth that you feel in your own gut then you'll know it's a bunch of crap. Do you have to do something in your own life that you earned? Do you have to define your own worth? Do you have to tell the world what you are worth by having confidence in your abilities? It's even more than that and I'm still kicking that around at 42 years old.

When I think of my abilities I think I take them for granted. We all know what we can do because we do it. We usually don't think about what we do, we just do it because we have to do it. Maybe at a job interview when we get asked about our abilities do we think about it but even then I think we just focus on those "buzz words" that we're supposed to tell a potential employer about us - organized, self-starter, efficient, hard working, punctual, etc. Are those our abilities for real? Life isn't a job interview. We have many experiences in life where we think we can't do it and then in hindsight, one day look back and realize we did do it and so we know more about our abilities.

So what are my abilities....for real? Do my abilities give me a "value" or make me worth something?

I think how we answer those questions for ourselves is a start of finding our own self-esteem.

For me I believed that I had to DO something to have value to someone. Maybe you think that yourself? What do you have to do or be to have value to yourself? Is that something that has to be given to you from your parents? Is that what you get when as a young child you are loved and treasured and so you just grow up carrying the knowledge in your gut that you are valued? What if you didn't grow up that way? If you weren't given it, how do you find it? If you were given it, was it sufficient or did you have to do more in order to find your value?

So I believed that I had to DO something to be worth something until the day I met my husband. He loved me just because I exist! I didn't understand that for at least 10 years. How is it possible that someone can love me just for being when I did nothing to earn that? Part of why this never made sense to me is because I didn't know who I was. I couldn't see how me existing was defining myself....they are one in the same. I am just starting to peel those layers apart and realize my own value. I have to believe that I'm not the only grown woman who has ever struggled with these questions and so I write about it in hopes (like with all my writing) to have it reach someone that needs to hear it!

In our existence we do things in a manner that is uniquely our own. We walk our own way with our own rhythm and sound. Have you ever known who was walking into the next room without seeing them because you recognized their walking sound? Each member of my family moves differently and I know them by their walk. We breath with our own rhythm. Have you ever been so close to someone (your spouse, your child, your parent, etc) that you could recognize how your breath and their breath happens in a different pattern? Just like our walk and our breath are as unique as our fingerprint, we have a way in which we move around the world....what we notice, what we think about it, what it compels us to do or not do, what we don't notice, what we feel, what moves us to feel happy or sad, what we interact with, what we avoid, and the list goes on and on both on a more minuscule level and a much grander level.

Then we interact with others. Some that choose to love us and some that choose to hate us and some that don't choose but instead are genetically compelled to interact with us. Those that choose to love or  hate us (or really feel everywhere in between) watch our uniqueness and categorize our little ways and our big ways into boxes they have given value to. For example: "She walks fast". That simply means that the observer has a speed category in their head that is "normal" and when someone is faster than that they are a "fast walker" and when someone walks slower than that then they are a "slow walker". This goes on and on. We each have a category for what is the "normal" way that everyone should do what they do. That is one way people categorize us. Then they add a layer of value to that. For example: "Fast walkers are rude" or "Fast walkers are busy getting things done and accomplishing things". Those statements are assigning a value of good or bad to a category. When people watch our uniqueness they are noticing how we do what we do, putting all the things we do into categories, then assigning their own definition of value to our stuff. We can't possibly change the way we do everything we do to try to get everyone we interact with to assign only good values to us....that is just mind boggling. Yet someone of us walk through life wondering why people don't like us or why people like us. When really we can only exist and let those we interact with have the opinion they are going to have which really says nothing about US, it speaks fully to who THEY are.

So think about that. When you choose to not like someone, it has less to do with them and a lot more to do with your own experiences and how you set up your category system in your head and assign value to things. They are just being whatever they are being. Now of course it doesn't just stop there. This whole relating thing is quite complex.

Some of our existence is influenced by our experiences. If we have bad experiences we sometimes emulate those behaviors because we didn't know they were bad. If we weren't treated nicely then we didn't learn that nice was a thing to be. When you come in contact with a person you'd call an asshole, do you assign that value to his/her behavior because they were raised knowing and understanding love, peace, and kindness but choose to be rude to you? Or do you assign that value to him/her because you were raised to think that when someone does this or that behavior they are only doing it because they are a mean and spiteful person and so all of the doers of that behavior are assholes? Or do you assign that value to him/her because they were raised to think that doing this or that behavior was a good thing and you were raised to believe the opposite so really you just disagree with how they were raised to think? Or did they behave in their assholish way in reaction to their value judgement of you?

Do you ever question the way in which you created your categories and what value you placed on them? Just because you have them doesn't make them right. It doesn't make them wrong either. I don't think there is a right or a wrong and there certainly isn't a normal but these words and definitions get thrown around as if they are unchangeable rules like gravity. I'm not saying that there is no right or wrong in the general sense. I'm saying that who you are and who others are is not right or wrong....there is no right or wrong way to be.

Now I will pose the question again: Where does self-esteem come from?

Did your answer change?

Meaningless Scatter

I made this goal to write for 10 minutes everyday this week and totally forgot about it! Wow...talk about avoidance. When I made the goal I pictured my 10 minute activity happening in the quiet morning hours while I drink my coffee and my overall disposition is peaceful and optimistic. So here I am, sitting at that time, drinking my coffee, and no ideas are coming to mind - well nothing deep anyway.

So today you are going to get my meaningless, scattered thoughts.

I felt compelled to change my facebook picture today. I don't change it much....certainly not like the folks that change it every few days or weeks. I change it a few times a year or maybe when I take a spectacularly hot picture of myself...haha. Today, though, I looked at my picture and realize that I was "portraying" a side of me that I haven't been feeling for the past few weeks. So, time for a change. Well then I had to change my cover photo as well. I usually change them both at the same time because whatever mood I'm switching too needs to match. My last profile and cover picture were way more direct and intense! This time I went with daydreamy....weird.

There's a new feature lately on facebook (yes, I'm a damn junkie) that tells you that you have memories that happened on this date. It's like Time Hop merged with FB...maybe they did? Anyway, I have a really bad memory and so it's usually a total surprise to see what was happening years ago on this date. Then when I see the pictures or read my posts I'm like "Oh ya, I think I remember that" for the most part. It's really crazy to me to see that I go through such different moods over the years. I used to have those years where I hadn't learned to just Shut Up yet? When I would just spurt my opinion about whatever passing thought and end up pissing people off or just putting people off? I had always been that way - speak my mind and don't really care about the consequence, if someone didn't like it then whatever?!?! I have since learned the art of Shut Up. I run a quick question through my head - Will what I say matter at all? - And usually the answer is no. So...I shut up. If I find that I'm feeling provoked to be opinionated by someone's posts, I just hide them so that I don't have the old urge to piss people off again. Really....I don't view this all as me "censoring" myself. I'm just being more choosy about what stress I bring into my life and I don't need it! Now maybe occasionally I'll just piss a few people off here on my blog...haha. But at least here, it's all mine.

I have a goal (I've actually had this goal for so many years...like since I was a kid...but I've spent more of my life believing that it was never gonna happen and putting it out of my mind) to do actual push ups! MAN Push ups! Now that I'm pretty fit and getting stronger I'm really attacking it as a goal - meaning I'm actively working on it each day. I've already made progress and am just ecstatic about it! (*Note - the word ecstatic should really be spelled with an x, extatic, it would be cooler). For weeks I was trying to get better and better by doing girl push ups thinking when I got strong enough I'd be able to move to man ones. Then I watched this video from Tony Horton (beachbody P90X guy) about how to get better with push ups. He says DON'T do girl ones. It won't make you stronger. Instead assume the correct push up form (I had to tweak mine a little bit) and then even if all you can start out doing is a plank (I could do that fine) then slowly work toward bending your elbow even if just an inch. Do as many as you can as low as you can but don't worry about not going down all the way....you'll get there. Well I have been employing his strategy and IT'S WORKING! The first day I could do like 3 at maybe an inch of a dip (the distance toward the ground you actually move). Yesterday I could do 10 at about a 4 inch dip! It's been maybe 5 days of me working on this! That's the most progress toward this goal I've ever made. So I'm pretty proud of myself.

Today will start a warming trend here in Western Oregon. So happy to have some summer! I bought a bunch of summer clothes and can't wait to wear them! Every year for the past 22 years, I've had to wear capri pants and some giant t-shirt to cover my overweightness and then been sweaty and uncomfortable in the heat! This year, I can wear short shorts and a tank top - will I look like a freakin model? hell no. I have loose skin hanging here and there that I don't like but I'm going to rock the tank top and shorts and proudly show my muscles (yes, I have muscles!).

Have a good day folks! I'm out.

Love yourself?

The practice of self-love seems to be ever expanding. I have come so far and am not sure how far I have left to go or if there is such a thing as "arriving" there. But I'm learning.

I can finally say that physically, mentally, spiritually I practice self-love at a minimum healthy level which is a huge accomplishment. I used to ignore my eating, ignore my physical aches and pains, ignore my stress or try to drown it with something that would make it feel better, and just kept trudging through life as if simply putting one foot in front of the other in spite all all the garbage I was carrying showed society or myself how tough or strong I was. Being tough/strong isn't the point! And it caught up to me.

I've learned to be purposeful with my eating - making sure that what I put in my body is fuel and not food. That means my meals actually give my body what it needs to be sustained in a healthy way rather than a pleasureful way. That's not to say I don't experience pleasure. It means that now instead of getting the quick fix pleasure on my tongue, I get the deep pleasure of feeling great each day!

I've learned to be purposeful with my movement - I do strength training each day. I don't simply jump around to get my heart rate up. I challenge my body to become stronger each day because without challenge there is no growth. I grow my strength each day.

I've learned to be purposeful with my sleep - making sure I get at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep on most nights. When I have to go beneath that, I make sure and go above it on another day. Sleep is part of taking care of our body. While we sleep our brains have these other cells that enlarge so they can carry away all the guck from our brain's daily stresses and use. It's kind of like having your brain cleaned each night. I try to sleep on a 90 minute cycle so I either get 6 hours, 7 1/2 hours, or 9 hours of sleep as those are the times that my brain is nearing its normal wake cycle.

I've learned to be purposeful with my self-talk/inner voice - that means I'm nice to myself which is a practice in both mental and spiritual health. I used to be harsh with myself treating my successes as nothing/normal and treating my failures as if it was a reflection of my inherent lack of worth. I see that those were very unhealthy voices to carry around with me. I wouldn't treat my children whom I loved that way so why treat myself that way? Do I not love myself? Part of loving ourselves is treating ourselves nicely. When I succeed, even in a small way, I say "good job" and I smile at myself. When I make a mistake, I say "it's ok, no biggie, it happens, try again" and I give myself an invisible hug.

Practicing all these great things made me feel very accomplished. I've come a long way. I thought I had arrived...lol. But alas there is more to self-love. Another part of loving myself needs to come in the form of following my calling.

I have felt called to write about my experiences, my thoughts, my stories -- what I've learned in life. At the same time, I'm such a perfectionist that I feel sometimes that if I can't do something justice, then I'm not going to do it until I can be assured success with it...and then I delve into the definitions of all that.

• Do something justice - what does this mean exactly, is there a "standard" somewhere that I have to meet, set by whom, where does this come from?
• Assured success - huh? Who in the world has this? No one is ever assured success with anything. 

Why I allow that type of thinking to stop me from moving forward is still something I work on. Part of how I work on it is by defining my terms because I always find something I'm defining from a severely subjective and unnecessary standpoint. Simply defining it is usually enough to get me over the hump.

I feel called to write and share with others my stories and experiences. In order to love myself, I must follow that calling. This is where my blog was born.  

Meaning of Life

What costume are you wearing? What facade are you tricking people or yourself into believing is true? Are you hiding from yourself in your costume? Are you hiding from others? Can one ever hide from others?

I hide from myself, I think most of us do for much of our lives. I tried different costumes over the years because I learned that without a costume we are naked and that was wholly inappropriate. But who are these teachers that teach us what is right, wrong, appropriate or not? Are they not just quota keepers who are hiding as well? The ones who "fit in" all wear costumes for a while and they look successful but are only successful at hiding. I spent most of life trying to fit in and knowing deep down that I didn't. All who surround the successful are those that prop up the lie that that's the meaning of our existence. It's sad because watching all those that prop it up lends to the credibility that that is what we should aspire to be. I was fooled by them too. The popular culture that gives you a box to fit in, categories to fall under, boundaries with which to exist. Not following the rules given to you comes with swift backlash, staring, embarrassment, shame.

How long does it take to remove the shackles of our learned bullshit and just be...with no fear and only love...to simply be...and to influence others in the way we are meant to for the betterment of humanity in whatever small way we can. As we remove the costume we reveal an entirely different look and thus interact with the world in an entirely new way. That is bound to cause discomfort for a while. We must endure the backlash but not with defensiveness. We must embrace the staring because we are inspiring others to follow. We must not subscribe to the embarrassment for it is one of their tactics to get you back. And we must not take the misplaced shame for it does not belong to us.

One day your time will be up. Will you be proud of what you've left behind? Or will you have remained hidden in a costume so that you appropriately fit in with all the other liars who wasted their time? Or will you leave a legacy? Will you have inspired others? Will you be admired for your bravery? Our lives have value - what is yours worth? The more rare something is the more valuable it is, right? You are a most rare gift, created to do great things. The clock is ticking.

Falling into ditches sometimes

I have reinvented myself in the last year. I've lost 110 lbs, I've become a different person. I am someone who eats healthy, I plan my meals, I exercise 6 days a week, I'm currently into bodybuilding. I make a goal for my body so that my brain decides where my body is going and not my emotions.

With all that, I still fall into some ditches sometimes. Today was one of those times.

Why is it that even when we KNOW the right thing to do, we don't do it and then have to pay for it and knew we were not going to escape the consequence but we still do it? That is just asinine.

Today I did just that. I have learned that what works best for me is to wake up, drink my coffee, eat my breakfast, check my emails and facebook, then go upstairs and workout! Before I allow myself to shower and get dressed for the day, I must first workout! When I do that it sets the tone for the rest of my day. I am proud of myself, I feel strong, I feel like I woke up and kicked some ass! Feeling all those things insures that I make good food choices for the rest of the day and even makes me feel like being more active. All good things that contribute to the body I want.

Today I knew all of those things and still chose to not follow it. I started doing my budget which took entirely too long to do and then let checking my facebook take over my day. Since I was loafing on the couch in my pajamas, I was chose snacks that did not fit into my macros --  too many carbs and too much fat, of course. I kept telling myself, "you have to get upstairs and workout...just get it done" and yet I continued to sit on my butt!

Next thing I look at the clock and it's freaking 5:00pm!!! Are you kidding me? Now I had to whip up some dinner for my family and then I needed to go workout! All through dinnertime I still wasn't feeling it. I asked my husband to come up and be in my workout room with me (that always gives me motivation) and he did.

I completed my workout but I'll tell you, eating that shit all day really smacked me upside my head. I wasn't feeling proud or strong and I wasn't kicking any ass during this workout. I was feeling like a complete loser! What had I done to myself? I knew what would happen if I lived my day this way, it happened, and now I'm mad that I let it happen. Talk about a thinking cycle of insanity! I was so angry with myself during my workout that I was maxing out quick, not having the strength that I usually have, angry that I caused this and wondering what is wrong with me. I spent 30 minutes mentally/emotionally beating myself up and THAT is the ditch that I fall into sometimes.

During this whole personal reinvention I had to learn to take care of me, put me first, and to love myself enough to stop slowly feeding myself to death but instead show the world (and myself) what I'm capable of. One of the most important parts of all this "self-care" is in how I talk to myself...the voice that play in my head without me thinking about it. The old, heavy person's voice would beat me up constantly so that I always knew that I didn't deserve to be capable, beautiful, strong, or happy. The new, thin person's internal voice has learned to be forgiving, patient, loving, and kind. Except for that 30 minutes today where I slipped back into my old thinking. I made it through though. The old, heavy me would have let that failure turn the whole night, weekend, week, and month into "what's the point" and ruined my progress. The new, thin me didn't let that happen. I gave myself my 30 minutes to be angry for the choice I made. I tried my best to own it, "yes, I did it, I screwed up all day, and now I'm paying for it, and it's done, tomorrow's a new day".

Tomorrow IS a new day!

On Driving

Driving is what do to get from point A to point B. I am a fast driver - usually 10 miles over the speed limit. I try very hard not to drive too close to the person in front of me but I'll admit my antsy, hyperactivity sometimes gets the best of me and I find myself following too close and so I back off.

Here is my pet peeve about the issue:
I belong to many facebook groups where I've seen posted so many times that I count count how some "speed limit" driver is angry at a "fast driver" for passing them and they always then spend the next 15 minutes tracking that fast driver to see how much sooner they got to a certain place which isn't much. So for example, I'll read, "To that black truck that couldn't wait to speed past me on Mulino hill...haha we got to the city at the same time, I'm 3 cars behind you".

The speed-limit driver is always coming from the perspective that the reason fast-drivers drive fast is to get somewhere sooner or to beat other cars as if it's a competition. I guess it's a fair assumption but there is at least one other reason that fast-drivers drive fast and it's the reason that I drive fast. I just like to drive fast! My body does not know how to just mosey along at the speed limit. Try this sometime, you talk at the speed in which you talk, you don't decide that that's how fast you are going to talk, you just talk that way. Try to slow your rate of speech down by 1/3. See how uncomfortable that is? I'm not saying that it's not possible. I'm not saying that we have no control over ourselves and so what we do is what we do and oh well. I'm just saying that there are things we do for comfort that we like and it's the way we are and we want to be that way. I'm a fast-driver, I like it. I'm a fast-talker, a fast-walker, and a fast-task-doer as well. I don't move or think slowly.

So to all you speed-limit drivers who you think you've figured out the motive of the fast-drivers...you haven't figured out all the motives. Some people just like to drive fast! (*Note: the last time I was in a car accident and it wasn't attributed to speed at all -  it was a situation where the traffic signals weren't working and I thought it was my turn to go and apparently it wasn't? And a car that hadn't stopped first just made the left turn into me. It was my fault because I was supposed to give him the right of way which still confuses me - that was about 12 years ago? And I've never gotten a speeding ticket. I also have my own internal cop radar which comes nicely with my desire to drive fast).

I heard a statistic once and I'll probably screw up the numbers but you'll get the gist...85% of drivers will always go the posted speed limit or slower no matter what the speed limit is and 15% will always go faster no matter what the speed limit is. Well, I'm in that 15% or whatever that small percentage of drivers who always speed is. I live in the country, I take back roads, I avoid traffic, I avoid the city, I try to take the fastest and most direct way to somewhere that I can. I don't get mad at the large percentage of speed-limit drivers, I'm not mad that you are in front of me, I'm not mad that you are going slower, I simply want to get in front of you. I'm not trying to win, I'm not of the belief that if I drive 10 miles/hr faster that I'll get to my destination so much sooner, I simply want to move fast.

My day off with hotitude

Today's my day off. I love days off. Especially when they are busy with happy things...ok....sometimes that's happy. Other days I like to just read and read and be alone. Enjoying alone time is new for me as I'm an extreme extrovert and have spent the better part of my 42 years hating to be alone. Now I think I've really learned the concept of peace -- ohm -- .

Today I'll be meeting with a group of wounded warrior wives for our "support" group. For me it's more a socializing group where I don't have to explain to anyone the crap that happens at my house...lol.

After our support time we are heading to lunch at a place chosen by someone else...the leader of our group. Last September I began a crazy transformation to losing the final 65 lbs that I haven't been able to lose in 20 + years and because I felt like I finally licked my weight problem, I topped it all off with a tummy tuck. Can I just say "WOOHOOOOO" cause that was the best decision of my life baby! I basically have my 17 year old body back and I'm in cougar city. I feel like the embodiment of hotitude...haha. I tell you this only to give the explanation of why going to a restaurant brings up a lot of technical issues for me. I find a place ahead of time, look at their menu, decide what I'll be ordering and figure out how that fits into my macros for the day - oh yes...I'm deciding to bodybuild this body into a bikini this summer so I track my macros. The restaurant she has chosen for the day doesn't really fit for me so I'll probably be taking my own food. I'm ok with this because my new found happiness of rocking my hotitude doesn't stress over shit I can't control. I figure out what I CAN control and I do it. It's my life, my choice, my consequences! And man do I LOVE my consequences! I earn them and so I rock them.

I'll try to fit in some reading too.

Now it's time for Beast Mode....be your best self today folks!

~K

Life is a journey, let's begin

I am nobody special and somebody special.

I'm a woman, wife, mom, caregiver, daughter, sister, friend who lives in Oregon on a farm in a forest.

I'm a wonderfully made, perfectly assembled, greatly designed child of God.

I am loved by many and disliked by many but intriguing to most.

I am authentic. I don't do fake or fluff. I think deeply about everything that intrigues me. I don't care much for things that don't.

This blog will simply be my intriguing perspectives on display. I welcome topics and discussion. I am a student of life. I believe in being better today than I was yesterday and that I get to define what better means. I live with what I call a "deathbed perspective"....if I were to be laying on my deathbed would I be happy with where I am in life, who I am, what I've done? I strive for my answers  to all be YES! That doesn't mean that I've always been good, or right, or the best, or anything like that. I've made mistakes everywhere throughout life like we all have but I've always done the best I could with the tools I had at the time. That last part of the sentence is the key.

I plan to share stories of my life transitions and experiences as well as simple ramblings of interest or frustration. This is a journey and I'm writing about mine.