Vulnerability and emotions

I have come to some massive realizations about emotions. I know I need to feel them because when I stuff them they turn into pain and ailments in the body but at the same time I don’t want to feel them because they hurt. I need to share them so that they come out but at the same time that makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I always saw vulnerability as a weakness but I am learning that this is not true. It is not a weakness to be vulnerable it’s actually the exact opposite. What a great mind trick I have played on myself. To share my feeling with anyone, to be vulnerable takes immense courage and I just never had that courage.. It means you trust someone and to trust someone means they can hurt you, you are giving them to key to the knife that can stab you! Yes I found one person on this earth who finally showed me that I can trust him and he won’t hurt me but there is more than one. And how can I be there for him (or anyone else for that matter) if I don’t understand this? I can’t be there for him if emotions make me uncomfortable, if someone being vulnerable with me just holds up a mirror of how uncomfortable I am with being vulnerable. I need to understand this better.

To trust someone with my feelings is like the highest form of anything I can give. It is saying here is the key to the knife you can stab me with. I am handing it to you in hopes that you will choose to comfort me instead. And I have always trusted no one (until Dean….but have I?). Now look at that in reverse. When someone can trust me with their feelings they are giving me the most valuable gift a person can give! They are showing me that I am worth risking pain and hurt for, they are saying they will be vulnerable with me even though it means I could smash their heart into a million pieces but they are trusting that I won’t. I need to learn to open my heart to others’ emotions and be that person that people can trust and vice versa, take a risk and trust people. Obviously not just trusting anyone….but trusting more than one other person. How did I never see sharing feelings as a blessing?