Have you ever thought about what you would do if you found out you were going to die?

I'm not talking about a bucket list. I'm not talking about the idea that we should all be living like it was the last day of our lives. Those are nice, happy colors to clothe the idea of dying in.

I'm talking about - real shit - doctor says you have cancer and have a good chance of dying.
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I've lived a life I think I can be proud of. I don't have regrets...really. I've done the best I could do with what I had at the time. I think I've made amends to the people I've wronged. I like to live my life knowing that if death took me in an instant, at least my conscience will feel at peace.

But even that is different.

If you know you have some time, you don't know how much, but the clock is now ticking, and chances are your health will deteriorate, and so what is important to you?

I already know that dying with dignity means something very different to me than it does to the people who want to off themselves and not suffer. I believe there is a beauty in suffering. There are lessons to be learned in suffering. There is compassion and love to be shared in suffering. There is connection, intimacy, and emotion to be shared in suffering. I believe that to pretend those things don't have meaning is to rob the living of a beautiful experience.

My husband is in the forefront of my mind when I think of what would I do if I found out the clock was ticking. I love my kids to the moon and back and I am truly blessed to be a part of their lives! They are each so wonderful in their own ways....but I worry most for my husband in the event that I were to go. I know my husband better than anyone on the planet! I know what he'd struggle with if he had to live without me. I know what he'd want to do if I were gone. My husband has a brain injury from combat in Afghanistan...and I've been his caregiver for 5 years. There is a lot he can't do at all, a lot that he can't do well, a lot that he can't do without me (and a lot that he CAN do, he's an amazing man!!!). But I think about all that he cannot do without me and I feel compelled to sift through my thoughts on the subject. My message to him would be this ---

To the man that owns my heart:
What I want you to do if you ever find your life without me being physically present.
I want you to live, to dream, to plan, to achieve, to love, to learn, to listen to me speak to your heart. I want you to take care of yourself as if everyone's life depends on it...because their lives DO! You are so infinitely important to the people who love you and whether you feel that or not, you must believe me because you trust me. I want you to follow my example and learn to love yourself as I learned to love me. It's your job now to love yourself like I loved you....like God loves you. That is how you honor me! Ask for help. Don't let pride cloud your actions. You can trust others who learned from me to protect you as I did. I want your soul to be at peace, I want your soul to be in communion with mine as I watch over you and take care of you. I'm always here. I want you to tell our kids about me and our grand kids. I want you to LOVE them in action like you loved me. Give them you, your time, your energy, your playfulness, your wisdom, you love for God. Be your best you! Not the you with no hope or no joy, not the tired you. Be the warrior you that takes care of your family like you took care of your unit. Be the chaplain for those that I love. When you are your best you, that is how you honor me! You own my heart, I gave it to you as the only person who earned 100% of it...you feel me, you know me, you see me, I am yours always. There really are no words that capture all of my feelings for you.