I'm an extremist. I work really well on either end of a spectrum even though I KNOW it's not the "healthy" place to be. I intuitively feel like somewhere in the middle would serve a better purpose or a greater audience or what have you but getting to that middle is always a similar process for me.
Take boundaries:
For years I said yes to just about everyone. I put myself out there as someone who would gladly help. If I got the whiff of someone needing something, I'd help out. In retrospect, doing that made me feel like I was someone that others could count on or someone they thought of as a "helpful person" which was contributing to my ego obviously. (No, I don't believe in altruism).
Years and years of solving others' problems, helping others get info, helping, helping, helping just drained the shit out of me to the point that I actually learned that I do, in fact, have a limit! Ok that's good to know you have a limit...it really is. I wondered for years is God made me some superpower or something because everyone around me seemed to be so tired, worn out, or otherwise unable and I was go-go-going like an energizer bunny. Mind you, I'm not talking so much physical energy, I'm more mental energy and I could just churn out thoughts, ideas, information, research findings, etc like an energizer bunny!
Then I got burnt out and I clicked into the other extreme.....say no to everybody and everything.
In the past when I had tried my hand at saying no, I felt compelled to have to explain myself. I'd watched others not explain their "No" but I didn't know how they withstood the pressure that I felt when I said No. This time there was no pressure to explain because I was so burnt out that I didn't give a crap whether the person understood why or not. Maybe this time my "No" sounded more final? Where in the past it was more like a "tell me why I should say yes" type of No. I don't know but I've been operating on this other extreme for about 9 months now? I feel like I've thoroughly learned the lesson of the opposite extreme.
Now to find the balance.
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Even though I need to find the middle, act out of the middle, be that balanced boundary person it still scares the crap out of me. I hate the middle....haha! To know it's good for you and hate it....kind of like vegetables. It's like on one extreme I was on 23 shots of espresso buzzing around high in the center of Time Square then click to the other extreme and I'm on an isolated beach on a remote island laying in the sun having a servant bring me things. Two pretty different scenarios.
What does the middle look like? I don't know yet....still figuring that out. I guess right now I'm afraid that if I say I'm done with my "vacation" then I'll instantly be sucked against my will back to somewhere I don't want to be. I don't like the feeling of burn out, I don't like being all jacked up like a chicken with its head cut off. I guess I also know that I'm strong enough to not allow things to happen against my will. That's what boundaries are all about, eh? Asserting your will in a way that suits you in a healthy manner! Not trying to gain "like points" by being the good, helpful one that can only be accepted because of what she contributes and conversely not retreating from the world and becoming involved in nothing watching others actually live while I'm on a beach. I want to be LIVING. I want to be taking part in the things I want to take part in for no other reason than it's what I want to do.
Hmm...
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