Where does self-esteem come from?

Where does self-esteem come from?

I think that word gets thrown around a lot in the media. Being a child of the 70's/80's I know I grew up thinking it was something I was supposed to have if you were happy. Then becoming a parent in the 90's I began to hear about it differently in the media. It was discussed in the context of 'how do we give self-esteem to our kids'. Well that really threw me because it's SELF esteem, so I don't think it can be given or can it?

The definition I found on self-esteem: confidence in one's own worth or abilities

Can someone give you confidence, can someone tell you what you're worth. They can try but if it's not the truth that you feel in your own gut then you'll know it's a bunch of crap. Do you have to do something in your own life that you earned? Do you have to define your own worth? Do you have to tell the world what you are worth by having confidence in your abilities? It's even more than that and I'm still kicking that around at 42 years old.

When I think of my abilities I think I take them for granted. We all know what we can do because we do it. We usually don't think about what we do, we just do it because we have to do it. Maybe at a job interview when we get asked about our abilities do we think about it but even then I think we just focus on those "buzz words" that we're supposed to tell a potential employer about us - organized, self-starter, efficient, hard working, punctual, etc. Are those our abilities for real? Life isn't a job interview. We have many experiences in life where we think we can't do it and then in hindsight, one day look back and realize we did do it and so we know more about our abilities.

So what are my abilities....for real? Do my abilities give me a "value" or make me worth something?

I think how we answer those questions for ourselves is a start of finding our own self-esteem.

For me I believed that I had to DO something to have value to someone. Maybe you think that yourself? What do you have to do or be to have value to yourself? Is that something that has to be given to you from your parents? Is that what you get when as a young child you are loved and treasured and so you just grow up carrying the knowledge in your gut that you are valued? What if you didn't grow up that way? If you weren't given it, how do you find it? If you were given it, was it sufficient or did you have to do more in order to find your value?

So I believed that I had to DO something to be worth something until the day I met my husband. He loved me just because I exist! I didn't understand that for at least 10 years. How is it possible that someone can love me just for being when I did nothing to earn that? Part of why this never made sense to me is because I didn't know who I was. I couldn't see how me existing was defining myself....they are one in the same. I am just starting to peel those layers apart and realize my own value. I have to believe that I'm not the only grown woman who has ever struggled with these questions and so I write about it in hopes (like with all my writing) to have it reach someone that needs to hear it!

In our existence we do things in a manner that is uniquely our own. We walk our own way with our own rhythm and sound. Have you ever known who was walking into the next room without seeing them because you recognized their walking sound? Each member of my family moves differently and I know them by their walk. We breath with our own rhythm. Have you ever been so close to someone (your spouse, your child, your parent, etc) that you could recognize how your breath and their breath happens in a different pattern? Just like our walk and our breath are as unique as our fingerprint, we have a way in which we move around the world....what we notice, what we think about it, what it compels us to do or not do, what we don't notice, what we feel, what moves us to feel happy or sad, what we interact with, what we avoid, and the list goes on and on both on a more minuscule level and a much grander level.

Then we interact with others. Some that choose to love us and some that choose to hate us and some that don't choose but instead are genetically compelled to interact with us. Those that choose to love or  hate us (or really feel everywhere in between) watch our uniqueness and categorize our little ways and our big ways into boxes they have given value to. For example: "She walks fast". That simply means that the observer has a speed category in their head that is "normal" and when someone is faster than that they are a "fast walker" and when someone walks slower than that then they are a "slow walker". This goes on and on. We each have a category for what is the "normal" way that everyone should do what they do. That is one way people categorize us. Then they add a layer of value to that. For example: "Fast walkers are rude" or "Fast walkers are busy getting things done and accomplishing things". Those statements are assigning a value of good or bad to a category. When people watch our uniqueness they are noticing how we do what we do, putting all the things we do into categories, then assigning their own definition of value to our stuff. We can't possibly change the way we do everything we do to try to get everyone we interact with to assign only good values to us....that is just mind boggling. Yet someone of us walk through life wondering why people don't like us or why people like us. When really we can only exist and let those we interact with have the opinion they are going to have which really says nothing about US, it speaks fully to who THEY are.

So think about that. When you choose to not like someone, it has less to do with them and a lot more to do with your own experiences and how you set up your category system in your head and assign value to things. They are just being whatever they are being. Now of course it doesn't just stop there. This whole relating thing is quite complex.

Some of our existence is influenced by our experiences. If we have bad experiences we sometimes emulate those behaviors because we didn't know they were bad. If we weren't treated nicely then we didn't learn that nice was a thing to be. When you come in contact with a person you'd call an asshole, do you assign that value to his/her behavior because they were raised knowing and understanding love, peace, and kindness but choose to be rude to you? Or do you assign that value to him/her because you were raised to think that when someone does this or that behavior they are only doing it because they are a mean and spiteful person and so all of the doers of that behavior are assholes? Or do you assign that value to him/her because they were raised to think that doing this or that behavior was a good thing and you were raised to believe the opposite so really you just disagree with how they were raised to think? Or did they behave in their assholish way in reaction to their value judgement of you?

Do you ever question the way in which you created your categories and what value you placed on them? Just because you have them doesn't make them right. It doesn't make them wrong either. I don't think there is a right or a wrong and there certainly isn't a normal but these words and definitions get thrown around as if they are unchangeable rules like gravity. I'm not saying that there is no right or wrong in the general sense. I'm saying that who you are and who others are is not right or wrong....there is no right or wrong way to be.

Now I will pose the question again: Where does self-esteem come from?

Did your answer change?