I'm an extremist. I work really well on either end of a spectrum even though I KNOW it's not the "healthy" place to be. I intuitively feel like somewhere in the middle would serve a better purpose or a greater audience or what have you but getting to that middle is always a similar process for me.
Take boundaries:
For years I said yes to just about everyone. I put myself out there as someone who would gladly help. If I got the whiff of someone needing something, I'd help out. In retrospect, doing that made me feel like I was someone that others could count on or someone they thought of as a "helpful person" which was contributing to my ego obviously. (No, I don't believe in altruism).
Years and years of solving others' problems, helping others get info, helping, helping, helping just drained the shit out of me to the point that I actually learned that I do, in fact, have a limit! Ok that's good to know you have a limit...it really is. I wondered for years is God made me some superpower or something because everyone around me seemed to be so tired, worn out, or otherwise unable and I was go-go-going like an energizer bunny. Mind you, I'm not talking so much physical energy, I'm more mental energy and I could just churn out thoughts, ideas, information, research findings, etc like an energizer bunny!
Then I got burnt out and I clicked into the other extreme.....say no to everybody and everything.
In the past when I had tried my hand at saying no, I felt compelled to have to explain myself. I'd watched others not explain their "No" but I didn't know how they withstood the pressure that I felt when I said No. This time there was no pressure to explain because I was so burnt out that I didn't give a crap whether the person understood why or not. Maybe this time my "No" sounded more final? Where in the past it was more like a "tell me why I should say yes" type of No. I don't know but I've been operating on this other extreme for about 9 months now? I feel like I've thoroughly learned the lesson of the opposite extreme.
Now to find the balance.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Even though I need to find the middle, act out of the middle, be that balanced boundary person it still scares the crap out of me. I hate the middle....haha! To know it's good for you and hate it....kind of like vegetables. It's like on one extreme I was on 23 shots of espresso buzzing around high in the center of Time Square then click to the other extreme and I'm on an isolated beach on a remote island laying in the sun having a servant bring me things. Two pretty different scenarios.
What does the middle look like? I don't know yet....still figuring that out. I guess right now I'm afraid that if I say I'm done with my "vacation" then I'll instantly be sucked against my will back to somewhere I don't want to be. I don't like the feeling of burn out, I don't like being all jacked up like a chicken with its head cut off. I guess I also know that I'm strong enough to not allow things to happen against my will. That's what boundaries are all about, eh? Asserting your will in a way that suits you in a healthy manner! Not trying to gain "like points" by being the good, helpful one that can only be accepted because of what she contributes and conversely not retreating from the world and becoming involved in nothing watching others actually live while I'm on a beach. I want to be LIVING. I want to be taking part in the things I want to take part in for no other reason than it's what I want to do.
Hmm...
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Where does self-esteem come from?
Where does self-esteem come from?
I think that word gets thrown around a lot in the media. Being a child of the 70's/80's I know I grew up thinking it was something I was supposed to have if you were happy. Then becoming a parent in the 90's I began to hear about it differently in the media. It was discussed in the context of 'how do we give self-esteem to our kids'. Well that really threw me because it's SELF esteem, so I don't think it can be given or can it?
The definition I found on self-esteem: confidence in one's own worth or abilities
Can someone give you confidence, can someone tell you what you're worth. They can try but if it's not the truth that you feel in your own gut then you'll know it's a bunch of crap. Do you have to do something in your own life that you earned? Do you have to define your own worth? Do you have to tell the world what you are worth by having confidence in your abilities? It's even more than that and I'm still kicking that around at 42 years old.
When I think of my abilities I think I take them for granted. We all know what we can do because we do it. We usually don't think about what we do, we just do it because we have to do it. Maybe at a job interview when we get asked about our abilities do we think about it but even then I think we just focus on those "buzz words" that we're supposed to tell a potential employer about us - organized, self-starter, efficient, hard working, punctual, etc. Are those our abilities for real? Life isn't a job interview. We have many experiences in life where we think we can't do it and then in hindsight, one day look back and realize we did do it and so we know more about our abilities.
So what are my abilities....for real? Do my abilities give me a "value" or make me worth something?
I think how we answer those questions for ourselves is a start of finding our own self-esteem.
For me I believed that I had to DO something to have value to someone. Maybe you think that yourself? What do you have to do or be to have value to yourself? Is that something that has to be given to you from your parents? Is that what you get when as a young child you are loved and treasured and so you just grow up carrying the knowledge in your gut that you are valued? What if you didn't grow up that way? If you weren't given it, how do you find it? If you were given it, was it sufficient or did you have to do more in order to find your value?
So I believed that I had to DO something to be worth something until the day I met my husband. He loved me just because I exist! I didn't understand that for at least 10 years. How is it possible that someone can love me just for being when I did nothing to earn that? Part of why this never made sense to me is because I didn't know who I was. I couldn't see how me existing was defining myself....they are one in the same. I am just starting to peel those layers apart and realize my own value. I have to believe that I'm not the only grown woman who has ever struggled with these questions and so I write about it in hopes (like with all my writing) to have it reach someone that needs to hear it!
In our existence we do things in a manner that is uniquely our own. We walk our own way with our own rhythm and sound. Have you ever known who was walking into the next room without seeing them because you recognized their walking sound? Each member of my family moves differently and I know them by their walk. We breath with our own rhythm. Have you ever been so close to someone (your spouse, your child, your parent, etc) that you could recognize how your breath and their breath happens in a different pattern? Just like our walk and our breath are as unique as our fingerprint, we have a way in which we move around the world....what we notice, what we think about it, what it compels us to do or not do, what we don't notice, what we feel, what moves us to feel happy or sad, what we interact with, what we avoid, and the list goes on and on both on a more minuscule level and a much grander level.
Then we interact with others. Some that choose to love us and some that choose to hate us and some that don't choose but instead are genetically compelled to interact with us. Those that choose to love or hate us (or really feel everywhere in between) watch our uniqueness and categorize our little ways and our big ways into boxes they have given value to. For example: "She walks fast". That simply means that the observer has a speed category in their head that is "normal" and when someone is faster than that they are a "fast walker" and when someone walks slower than that then they are a "slow walker". This goes on and on. We each have a category for what is the "normal" way that everyone should do what they do. That is one way people categorize us. Then they add a layer of value to that. For example: "Fast walkers are rude" or "Fast walkers are busy getting things done and accomplishing things". Those statements are assigning a value of good or bad to a category. When people watch our uniqueness they are noticing how we do what we do, putting all the things we do into categories, then assigning their own definition of value to our stuff. We can't possibly change the way we do everything we do to try to get everyone we interact with to assign only good values to us....that is just mind boggling. Yet someone of us walk through life wondering why people don't like us or why people like us. When really we can only exist and let those we interact with have the opinion they are going to have which really says nothing about US, it speaks fully to who THEY are.
So think about that. When you choose to not like someone, it has less to do with them and a lot more to do with your own experiences and how you set up your category system in your head and assign value to things. They are just being whatever they are being. Now of course it doesn't just stop there. This whole relating thing is quite complex.
Some of our existence is influenced by our experiences. If we have bad experiences we sometimes emulate those behaviors because we didn't know they were bad. If we weren't treated nicely then we didn't learn that nice was a thing to be. When you come in contact with a person you'd call an asshole, do you assign that value to his/her behavior because they were raised knowing and understanding love, peace, and kindness but choose to be rude to you? Or do you assign that value to him/her because you were raised to think that when someone does this or that behavior they are only doing it because they are a mean and spiteful person and so all of the doers of that behavior are assholes? Or do you assign that value to him/her because they were raised to think that doing this or that behavior was a good thing and you were raised to believe the opposite so really you just disagree with how they were raised to think? Or did they behave in their assholish way in reaction to their value judgement of you?
Do you ever question the way in which you created your categories and what value you placed on them? Just because you have them doesn't make them right. It doesn't make them wrong either. I don't think there is a right or a wrong and there certainly isn't a normal but these words and definitions get thrown around as if they are unchangeable rules like gravity. I'm not saying that there is no right or wrong in the general sense. I'm saying that who you are and who others are is not right or wrong....there is no right or wrong way to be.
Now I will pose the question again: Where does self-esteem come from?
Did your answer change?
I think that word gets thrown around a lot in the media. Being a child of the 70's/80's I know I grew up thinking it was something I was supposed to have if you were happy. Then becoming a parent in the 90's I began to hear about it differently in the media. It was discussed in the context of 'how do we give self-esteem to our kids'. Well that really threw me because it's SELF esteem, so I don't think it can be given or can it?
The definition I found on self-esteem: confidence in one's own worth or abilities
Can someone give you confidence, can someone tell you what you're worth. They can try but if it's not the truth that you feel in your own gut then you'll know it's a bunch of crap. Do you have to do something in your own life that you earned? Do you have to define your own worth? Do you have to tell the world what you are worth by having confidence in your abilities? It's even more than that and I'm still kicking that around at 42 years old.
When I think of my abilities I think I take them for granted. We all know what we can do because we do it. We usually don't think about what we do, we just do it because we have to do it. Maybe at a job interview when we get asked about our abilities do we think about it but even then I think we just focus on those "buzz words" that we're supposed to tell a potential employer about us - organized, self-starter, efficient, hard working, punctual, etc. Are those our abilities for real? Life isn't a job interview. We have many experiences in life where we think we can't do it and then in hindsight, one day look back and realize we did do it and so we know more about our abilities.
So what are my abilities....for real? Do my abilities give me a "value" or make me worth something?
I think how we answer those questions for ourselves is a start of finding our own self-esteem.
For me I believed that I had to DO something to have value to someone. Maybe you think that yourself? What do you have to do or be to have value to yourself? Is that something that has to be given to you from your parents? Is that what you get when as a young child you are loved and treasured and so you just grow up carrying the knowledge in your gut that you are valued? What if you didn't grow up that way? If you weren't given it, how do you find it? If you were given it, was it sufficient or did you have to do more in order to find your value?
So I believed that I had to DO something to be worth something until the day I met my husband. He loved me just because I exist! I didn't understand that for at least 10 years. How is it possible that someone can love me just for being when I did nothing to earn that? Part of why this never made sense to me is because I didn't know who I was. I couldn't see how me existing was defining myself....they are one in the same. I am just starting to peel those layers apart and realize my own value. I have to believe that I'm not the only grown woman who has ever struggled with these questions and so I write about it in hopes (like with all my writing) to have it reach someone that needs to hear it!
In our existence we do things in a manner that is uniquely our own. We walk our own way with our own rhythm and sound. Have you ever known who was walking into the next room without seeing them because you recognized their walking sound? Each member of my family moves differently and I know them by their walk. We breath with our own rhythm. Have you ever been so close to someone (your spouse, your child, your parent, etc) that you could recognize how your breath and their breath happens in a different pattern? Just like our walk and our breath are as unique as our fingerprint, we have a way in which we move around the world....what we notice, what we think about it, what it compels us to do or not do, what we don't notice, what we feel, what moves us to feel happy or sad, what we interact with, what we avoid, and the list goes on and on both on a more minuscule level and a much grander level.
Then we interact with others. Some that choose to love us and some that choose to hate us and some that don't choose but instead are genetically compelled to interact with us. Those that choose to love or hate us (or really feel everywhere in between) watch our uniqueness and categorize our little ways and our big ways into boxes they have given value to. For example: "She walks fast". That simply means that the observer has a speed category in their head that is "normal" and when someone is faster than that they are a "fast walker" and when someone walks slower than that then they are a "slow walker". This goes on and on. We each have a category for what is the "normal" way that everyone should do what they do. That is one way people categorize us. Then they add a layer of value to that. For example: "Fast walkers are rude" or "Fast walkers are busy getting things done and accomplishing things". Those statements are assigning a value of good or bad to a category. When people watch our uniqueness they are noticing how we do what we do, putting all the things we do into categories, then assigning their own definition of value to our stuff. We can't possibly change the way we do everything we do to try to get everyone we interact with to assign only good values to us....that is just mind boggling. Yet someone of us walk through life wondering why people don't like us or why people like us. When really we can only exist and let those we interact with have the opinion they are going to have which really says nothing about US, it speaks fully to who THEY are.
So think about that. When you choose to not like someone, it has less to do with them and a lot more to do with your own experiences and how you set up your category system in your head and assign value to things. They are just being whatever they are being. Now of course it doesn't just stop there. This whole relating thing is quite complex.
Some of our existence is influenced by our experiences. If we have bad experiences we sometimes emulate those behaviors because we didn't know they were bad. If we weren't treated nicely then we didn't learn that nice was a thing to be. When you come in contact with a person you'd call an asshole, do you assign that value to his/her behavior because they were raised knowing and understanding love, peace, and kindness but choose to be rude to you? Or do you assign that value to him/her because you were raised to think that when someone does this or that behavior they are only doing it because they are a mean and spiteful person and so all of the doers of that behavior are assholes? Or do you assign that value to him/her because they were raised to think that doing this or that behavior was a good thing and you were raised to believe the opposite so really you just disagree with how they were raised to think? Or did they behave in their assholish way in reaction to their value judgement of you?
Do you ever question the way in which you created your categories and what value you placed on them? Just because you have them doesn't make them right. It doesn't make them wrong either. I don't think there is a right or a wrong and there certainly isn't a normal but these words and definitions get thrown around as if they are unchangeable rules like gravity. I'm not saying that there is no right or wrong in the general sense. I'm saying that who you are and who others are is not right or wrong....there is no right or wrong way to be.
Now I will pose the question again: Where does self-esteem come from?
Did your answer change?
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Meaningless Scatter
I made this goal to write for 10 minutes everyday this week and totally forgot about it! Wow...talk about avoidance. When I made the goal I pictured my 10 minute activity happening in the quiet morning hours while I drink my coffee and my overall disposition is peaceful and optimistic. So here I am, sitting at that time, drinking my coffee, and no ideas are coming to mind - well nothing deep anyway.
So today you are going to get my meaningless, scattered thoughts.
I felt compelled to change my facebook picture today. I don't change it much....certainly not like the folks that change it every few days or weeks. I change it a few times a year or maybe when I take a spectacularly hot picture of myself...haha. Today, though, I looked at my picture and realize that I was "portraying" a side of me that I haven't been feeling for the past few weeks. So, time for a change. Well then I had to change my cover photo as well. I usually change them both at the same time because whatever mood I'm switching too needs to match. My last profile and cover picture were way more direct and intense! This time I went with daydreamy....weird.
There's a new feature lately on facebook (yes, I'm a damn junkie) that tells you that you have memories that happened on this date. It's like Time Hop merged with FB...maybe they did? Anyway, I have a really bad memory and so it's usually a total surprise to see what was happening years ago on this date. Then when I see the pictures or read my posts I'm like "Oh ya, I think I remember that" for the most part. It's really crazy to me to see that I go through such different moods over the years. I used to have those years where I hadn't learned to just Shut Up yet? When I would just spurt my opinion about whatever passing thought and end up pissing people off or just putting people off? I had always been that way - speak my mind and don't really care about the consequence, if someone didn't like it then whatever?!?! I have since learned the art of Shut Up. I run a quick question through my head - Will what I say matter at all? - And usually the answer is no. So...I shut up. If I find that I'm feeling provoked to be opinionated by someone's posts, I just hide them so that I don't have the old urge to piss people off again. Really....I don't view this all as me "censoring" myself. I'm just being more choosy about what stress I bring into my life and I don't need it! Now maybe occasionally I'll just piss a few people off here on my blog...haha. But at least here, it's all mine.
I have a goal (I've actually had this goal for so many years...like since I was a kid...but I've spent more of my life believing that it was never gonna happen and putting it out of my mind) to do actual push ups! MAN Push ups! Now that I'm pretty fit and getting stronger I'm really attacking it as a goal - meaning I'm actively working on it each day. I've already made progress and am just ecstatic about it! (*Note - the word ecstatic should really be spelled with an x, extatic, it would be cooler). For weeks I was trying to get better and better by doing girl push ups thinking when I got strong enough I'd be able to move to man ones. Then I watched this video from Tony Horton (beachbody P90X guy) about how to get better with push ups. He says DON'T do girl ones. It won't make you stronger. Instead assume the correct push up form (I had to tweak mine a little bit) and then even if all you can start out doing is a plank (I could do that fine) then slowly work toward bending your elbow even if just an inch. Do as many as you can as low as you can but don't worry about not going down all the way....you'll get there. Well I have been employing his strategy and IT'S WORKING! The first day I could do like 3 at maybe an inch of a dip (the distance toward the ground you actually move). Yesterday I could do 10 at about a 4 inch dip! It's been maybe 5 days of me working on this! That's the most progress toward this goal I've ever made. So I'm pretty proud of myself.
Today will start a warming trend here in Western Oregon. So happy to have some summer! I bought a bunch of summer clothes and can't wait to wear them! Every year for the past 22 years, I've had to wear capri pants and some giant t-shirt to cover my overweightness and then been sweaty and uncomfortable in the heat! This year, I can wear short shorts and a tank top - will I look like a freakin model? hell no. I have loose skin hanging here and there that I don't like but I'm going to rock the tank top and shorts and proudly show my muscles (yes, I have muscles!).
Have a good day folks! I'm out.
So today you are going to get my meaningless, scattered thoughts.
I felt compelled to change my facebook picture today. I don't change it much....certainly not like the folks that change it every few days or weeks. I change it a few times a year or maybe when I take a spectacularly hot picture of myself...haha. Today, though, I looked at my picture and realize that I was "portraying" a side of me that I haven't been feeling for the past few weeks. So, time for a change. Well then I had to change my cover photo as well. I usually change them both at the same time because whatever mood I'm switching too needs to match. My last profile and cover picture were way more direct and intense! This time I went with daydreamy....weird.
There's a new feature lately on facebook (yes, I'm a damn junkie) that tells you that you have memories that happened on this date. It's like Time Hop merged with FB...maybe they did? Anyway, I have a really bad memory and so it's usually a total surprise to see what was happening years ago on this date. Then when I see the pictures or read my posts I'm like "Oh ya, I think I remember that" for the most part. It's really crazy to me to see that I go through such different moods over the years. I used to have those years where I hadn't learned to just Shut Up yet? When I would just spurt my opinion about whatever passing thought and end up pissing people off or just putting people off? I had always been that way - speak my mind and don't really care about the consequence, if someone didn't like it then whatever?!?! I have since learned the art of Shut Up. I run a quick question through my head - Will what I say matter at all? - And usually the answer is no. So...I shut up. If I find that I'm feeling provoked to be opinionated by someone's posts, I just hide them so that I don't have the old urge to piss people off again. Really....I don't view this all as me "censoring" myself. I'm just being more choosy about what stress I bring into my life and I don't need it! Now maybe occasionally I'll just piss a few people off here on my blog...haha. But at least here, it's all mine.
I have a goal (I've actually had this goal for so many years...like since I was a kid...but I've spent more of my life believing that it was never gonna happen and putting it out of my mind) to do actual push ups! MAN Push ups! Now that I'm pretty fit and getting stronger I'm really attacking it as a goal - meaning I'm actively working on it each day. I've already made progress and am just ecstatic about it! (*Note - the word ecstatic should really be spelled with an x, extatic, it would be cooler). For weeks I was trying to get better and better by doing girl push ups thinking when I got strong enough I'd be able to move to man ones. Then I watched this video from Tony Horton (beachbody P90X guy) about how to get better with push ups. He says DON'T do girl ones. It won't make you stronger. Instead assume the correct push up form (I had to tweak mine a little bit) and then even if all you can start out doing is a plank (I could do that fine) then slowly work toward bending your elbow even if just an inch. Do as many as you can as low as you can but don't worry about not going down all the way....you'll get there. Well I have been employing his strategy and IT'S WORKING! The first day I could do like 3 at maybe an inch of a dip (the distance toward the ground you actually move). Yesterday I could do 10 at about a 4 inch dip! It's been maybe 5 days of me working on this! That's the most progress toward this goal I've ever made. So I'm pretty proud of myself.
Today will start a warming trend here in Western Oregon. So happy to have some summer! I bought a bunch of summer clothes and can't wait to wear them! Every year for the past 22 years, I've had to wear capri pants and some giant t-shirt to cover my overweightness and then been sweaty and uncomfortable in the heat! This year, I can wear short shorts and a tank top - will I look like a freakin model? hell no. I have loose skin hanging here and there that I don't like but I'm going to rock the tank top and shorts and proudly show my muscles (yes, I have muscles!).
Have a good day folks! I'm out.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)